The Worship of My Life

It's funny where the Lord has me right now... this balance between ministry and marketplace. A divine tension is having to exist in my life whose purpose is to keep me tuned in to the Father for every piece of the puzzle. The focus of my heart is really to have His Kingdom revealed through me on a daily basis, whether that be as a marketing consultant or a worship leader, a dad or a husband. Am I the kind of man God can flow through easily?

For most of my life I've not been easy to flow through. I was prideful, calloused, scared, fearful of how people would perceive me... always covered up in some mask. But God's healing that woundedness in my heart. He's bringing me to such a beautiful place of trust, rest and worship in Him that makes all that other stuff just fade away. It's all about the cracking open of this, what Watchman Nee calls "The Outer Man" and allowing my Spirit Man to come forth in a beautiful and uninhibited way where I can sense God's delight and His love for me.

I guess we're always wrestling with that tension, huh? That is, how much of my life is really 'me' and how much is really 'Him through me'. As I've wrestled with in my own journey, I've found a couple of things that are making the worship of my life produce beautiful fruit. The first is this: The More I'm Around Him, The More I'm Like Him. That seems obvious but for me, it was always a struggle. I love to 'worship' or sing/play worship music, but to have a regular 'quiet time' with the Lord never seemed to be a something that I connected with. I guess I'm ADD in that way. However, during this recent period of brokenness in my life over the last few years, the Lord has caused a deep hunger to rise up in me... a hunger where my first thoughts in the morning are "I wonder what God's going to say to me this morning?". His presence in me is so real... and the more I'm with Him, the more I've noticed my emotions, my reactions, my desires, my temperament, and the worship of my life are reflecting Him. I literally turned around the other day and thought "Wow, I've not felt like this in a LONG" time... free, happy, fulfilled, unpressured. It's not that circumstances in my life have changed all that much - it's that the focus of my life is shifting. I'm learning to live in the Glory Zone - the zone of creative flow, supernatural love and peace, and the place where I'm in constant communion with Him.

The second thing that's wrecking me right now is recognizing His heart for me. My relationship with my dad was not great growing up, although I know he did the best he knew how. I praise God that He's restored that relationship today. But for a lot of years, my idea of 'father God' what really screwed up. Internally, deep down, below my conscious thoughts, I believed the same things about Father God that I believed about my own dad - his love is conditional, his moods are unpredictable, if he knew the real me he wouldn't love me, he's ashamed of me, etc. Again, through this recent season of brokenness in my life, I've found my Father's heart for me is anything but conditional. In fact, He loves me with an everlasting love that goes beyond any circumstance, brokenness or season in my life, It's only through coming to the end of myself - riding until the wheels fell off - that I've been able to really let down my guard and let God in. Until then, I still has some semblance of control in my life where I thought I was driving, I could call the shots. I am so grateful for the brokenness God has allowed in my life because it's brought me to the end of myself and given me a radical desire to pursue the things of God like never before. And the coolest thing is, the things I thought were dead in me - my "heart's desire" that I thought was gone forever - God is stirring and rebirthing in my heart. He's orchestrating a beautiful symphony of circumstances and divine connections to place me right in the middle of where He wants me to be.

So the worship of my life has become like an alabaster box - a life of brokenness poured out to the Father that He's using for His Glory. Daily I pour out my life to Him and let Him direct the flow of my life where He wills. The funny thing is, I'm flowing now in places I always dreamed of, yet was never able to reach on my own. Convinced of His unfailing love for me and endless mercy in my life, I press on.

http://www.imeem.com/people/CmrdBPH/music/gyrDGXpF/julie-meyer-alabaster-box/